Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
