I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
