Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
