Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I love how my cats smell like pot.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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