I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
