guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I pour the whiskey from now on
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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