take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
