You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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