rhymes with "ouble enetration"
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
My liver just had a heart attack.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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