sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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