Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
