Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
im six kinds of drunk right now
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
No subtext here. People are naked.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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