Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
