somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Randomize
