Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
