so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
