If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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