Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
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