Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
