You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I am mentally ready for anal.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
