Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
