Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
