a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
