i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Randomize
