a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
high people should be assigned attendants
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
