know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
