My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
