the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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