I wish i was in the wii world.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
