So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
