oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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