Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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