I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
