i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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