i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Randomize
