Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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