he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
