in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
