weddingsv make me drug and hornr
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
