apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
