I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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