I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
