There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
