I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
