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party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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