I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Randomize
