If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
