At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
