A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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