and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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