saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
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