I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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