My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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