i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Randomize
