you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
